Month: April 2015

Easter Bunny calls for IVF to help with Easter Egg demand

The Easter Bunny says his homelife has suffered and he can't even afford a car to carry his children around in.
The Easter Bunny says his homelife has suffered and he can’t even afford a car to carry his children around in.

In a desperate appeal for help, the Easter Bunny has called for medical assistance in producing Easter Eggs.

The Bunny, renowned for his outspoken criticism of his employer, the Christan Church, said:

“You have no idea how much work it is shitting Cadbury’s Creme Eggs all year round without help. And to be frank, I’ve had it up to here as an inter-denominational Christian sex worker,” he said.

“People mistakenly think I am a made-up symbol designed to usurp pagan traditions, but I think it’s time we all faced the fact that whilst that is a convenient mask for the Church to hide behind, actually I do exist. And it’s hell being me,” he said.

“For years the Church has conveniently pointed to my eggs as a symbol of life resurging from cold stone, and to rabbits as a sign of fertility. They’ve liked to cleverly make out that somehow I don’t exist, with apologists saying I’m just a way of incorporating pagan beliefs into Christianity,” the Easter Bunny, otherwise known as Daryl, said.

“The fact that the eggs I lay require me imbibing copious quantities of the bitter Mayan Xocoatl drink which used to be fed by the Mayans to sacrificial victims before slaughter only muddies the pagan waters further. But I demand the right to be recognised. For centuries I’ve been a slave of the Christian propaganda machine. I have rights, you know.”

A spokesman for the Archishop of Canterbury said:

“What nonsense! Of course a talking rabbit that delivers eggs to children all over the world is made up. I mean, it’s ridiculous. It’s not like he’s a gingerbread man with wine for blood who can pull fish out of thin air, raise the dead and walk on water, is it?”

Pressed further on Daryl’s assertion that “If it got out that I do exist, everyone would think I was a miracle, which would completely undermine Christian religious teachings,” Archbishop Justin Welby fixed the Press conference with a psychotic eye and said:

“Now listen up. If da rabbit is making trouble, da rabbit will end up in da stew.”

Questioned as to whether or not the only way to heaven was by paying tribute to Jesus, he said:

“We are in da twenty-first century, buddy. Dat sort of ting is well out of date. We don’t do protection rackets. But I can say dis,” he said, tapping the side of his nose with his index finger and winking. “Dere may be a shortage of creme eggs in da next few years if you know what I mean. If dat rabbit knows what’s good for him, he’ll keep his imaginary mouth shut. I’m sending out my flying bishops to have a little talk wid dat symbolic carrot-nibbler, right now.” Shouting over his shoulder, he said: “- Boys, get tooled up.”

Asked for a reaction to the Archbishop’s words later that day, Daryl the Easter Bunny was inexplicably unavailable for comment.

News: Nicola Sturgeon is leader of ISIS.

Ms Stirfry as a 1980s Kung Fu star.
Ms Stirfry as a 1980s Kung Fu star.

In a fascinating new twist, the Daily Telegraph has revealed that Nicola Sturgeon wants ISIS to take over Britain.

In a made-up memo quoting the Ambassador for Jupiter, Monsieur Figuement de l’Imagination, Ms Smorgisbord undoubtedly supposedly said:

“If only ISIS would behead the government and instate itself in power. That way we’d scotch two very real issues – Etonian biscuit-game-players bossing everyone around, and self determination for Scots. Remember, ISIS stands for Independent Scotland Independent Scotland, just in case you didn’t hear me the first time.”

Mr David Camomile said of these latest stunning revelations:

“I have long been seeking to portray Miss Sputum as a psychotic Claymore-wielding hobbit, but now she has truly been hoist by her own sporran. You really couldn’t make it up, but that’s because you are working class and stupid and work so many hours for no money that you don’t have time to make things up. Nor do you understand cynical media ploys, which are the reserve of the privileged few. Oh, and by the way, it was probably one of my friends at the Telecrap who actually did make it up.”

Leader of the Labia Party, Mr Ed Lilliput said:

“I was desperate for something to revive my flagging hopes in Poundland. This invented quote completely discredits Ms Sputum and the whole unjust, unfair Independent Caliphate of Scotland movement.”

Growing increasingly adenoidal, Mr Gastricband said:

“Do we really want a political system in which people who perform well in debates and don’t struggle to control their lips cheat at fair fights by being better at talking and thinking?”

Looking like a bullied schoolboy, he added:

“Really, it’s actually unfair.”

Mr Labia then cried and threatened everyone with his brother.

“Roll on independence,” he added. “We can all thank the Torycrap for that, at least.”