In a desperate appeal for help, the Easter Bunny has called for medical assistance in producing Easter Eggs.
The Bunny, renowned for his outspoken criticism of his employer, the Christan Church, said:
“You have no idea how much work it is shitting Cadbury’s Creme Eggs all year round without help. And to be frank, I’ve had it up to here as an inter-denominational Christian sex worker,” he said.
“People mistakenly think I am a made-up symbol designed to usurp pagan traditions, but I think it’s time we all faced the fact that whilst that is a convenient mask for the Church to hide behind, actually I do exist. And it’s hell being me,” he said.
“For years the Church has conveniently pointed to my eggs as a symbol of life resurging from cold stone, and to rabbits as a sign of fertility. They’ve liked to cleverly make out that somehow I don’t exist, with apologists saying I’m just a way of incorporating pagan beliefs into Christianity,” the Easter Bunny, otherwise known as Daryl, said.
“The fact that the eggs I lay require me imbibing copious quantities of the bitter Mayan Xocoatl drink which used to be fed by the Mayans to sacrificial victims before slaughter only muddies the pagan waters further. But I demand the right to be recognised. For centuries I’ve been a slave of the Christian propaganda machine. I have rights, you know.”
A spokesman for the Archishop of Canterbury said:
“What nonsense! Of course a talking rabbit that delivers eggs to children all over the world is made up. I mean, it’s ridiculous. It’s not like he’s a gingerbread man with wine for blood who can pull fish out of thin air, raise the dead and walk on water, is it?”
Pressed further on Daryl’s assertion that “If it got out that I do exist, everyone would think I was a miracle, which would completely undermine Christian religious teachings,” Archbishop Justin Welby fixed the Press conference with a psychotic eye and said:
“Now listen up. If da rabbit is making trouble, da rabbit will end up in da stew.”
Questioned as to whether or not the only way to heaven was by paying tribute to Jesus, he said:
“We are in da twenty-first century, buddy. Dat sort of ting is well out of date. We don’t do protection rackets. But I can say dis,” he said, tapping the side of his nose with his index finger and winking. “Dere may be a shortage of creme eggs in da next few years if you know what I mean. If dat rabbit knows what’s good for him, he’ll keep his imaginary mouth shut. I’m sending out my flying bishops to have a little talk wid dat symbolic carrot-nibbler, right now.” Shouting over his shoulder, he said: “- Boys, get tooled up.”
Asked for a reaction to the Archbishop’s words later that day, Daryl the Easter Bunny was inexplicably unavailable for comment.