News: Nicola Sturgeon is leader of ISIS.

Ms Stirfry as a 1980s Kung Fu star.
Ms Stirfry as a 1980s Kung Fu star.

In a fascinating new twist, the Daily Telegraph has revealed that Nicola Sturgeon wants ISIS to take over Britain.

In a made-up memo quoting the Ambassador for Jupiter, Monsieur Figuement de l’Imagination, Ms Smorgisbord undoubtedly supposedly said:

“If only ISIS would behead the government and instate itself in power. That way we’d scotch two very real issues – Etonian biscuit-game-players bossing everyone around, and self determination for Scots. Remember, ISIS stands for Independent Scotland Independent Scotland, just in case you didn’t hear me the first time.”

Mr David Camomile said of these latest stunning revelations:

“I have long been seeking to portray Miss Sputum as a psychotic Claymore-wielding hobbit, but now she has truly been hoist by her own sporran. You really couldn’t make it up, but that’s because you are working class and stupid and work so many hours for no money that you don’t have time to make things up. Nor do you understand cynical media ploys, which are the reserve of the privileged few. Oh, and by the way, it was probably one of my friends at the Telecrap who actually did make it up.”

Leader of the Labia Party, Mr Ed Lilliput said:

“I was desperate for something to revive my flagging hopes in Poundland. This invented quote completely discredits Ms Sputum and the whole unjust, unfair Independent Caliphate of Scotland movement.”

Growing increasingly adenoidal, Mr Gastricband said:

“Do we really want a political system in which people who perform well in debates and don’t struggle to control their lips cheat at fair fights by being better at talking and thinking?”

Looking like a bullied schoolboy, he added:

“Really, it’s actually unfair.”

Mr Labia then cried and threatened everyone with his brother.

“Roll on independence,” he added. “We can all thank the Torycrap for that, at least.”

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